Have you heard? The economy is in the tank.

Have you heard? Unemployment is in the double digits.

Have you heard? Congress wants to give themselves a pay raise.

Your Congressman needs that money more than your piggy bank does. You would just spend it on something silly, such as food, shelter, clothing, medicine or some other essentials.

What do you think it is? Could it be some variant of Mad Cow Disease? Is it a contagion they picked up from Wall Street? It appears they actually think they deserve to be paid by us.

I have been laboring under the assumption that they were well-paid by their employers; the health industry, the casinos, the banks, et al.

There have been several members showing up on the tube complaining that they haven’t had time to read this or that bill. I feel like emulating Joe Wilson, that stalwart Congressional nincompoop from South Carolina who yelled, “You lie,” at the President.

That would not exactly fit the bill, so to speak. Literacy is not a requirement for that office and is seldom exhibited by most members. They have aides to read the bills for them; to translate them into single-syllable speak. They have aides to write their speeches for them. Most of what they say on the floor was actually never said. That is why they are given “permission to revise and extend” ‘their’ remarks.

How many aides do you pay for? The latest figures I have are from the 1990s. The House has, or had, about 11,000 aides. The Senate has around 6,000. Still, that is not the entirety. If one counts the support staff of the Architect of the Capitol, Capitol Police, Library of Congress (the Congressional Research Service), General Accounting Office, Congressional Budget Office, and Office of Technology Assessment, the total number of legislative branch employees topped 30,000.

Given the hours and wages of staff on the Hill, one would not miss the mark all that much by comparing the place to a plantation. Like the plantation owners who bragged about how many acres ‘they’ planted, Members of Congress try to impress people with how heavy their workload is. I guess they are counting all of the required parties they must attend, the visits to the bordellos, time spent waiting in airport restrooms, waiting for those dollar bills to thaw and grandstanding for the media.

It’s a rough life but somebody has to do it. They are just not adequately appreciated. There are even certain killjoys inconsiderate enough to suggest they spend some of their precious time paying attention to people without Inc. following their name.

An idea that I have had no success with involves their remuneration. How about the government buys enough apartments in the area East of the Hill to house all of the members for free. Then pay each member whatever the average family income is in their district. If they help increase what their constituents earn, they get a pay raise. The opposite would also apply.

I want everyone to know that I am doing my part to fund a pay raise for our public servants. My Social Security check is frozen for the next 3 years. Are you doing your part for this worthy cause?