I could just kick myself in the rear. How did I fail to see the solution? How did you? How did we? The way to win a war is so simple, even, . . . only John McCain knew the secret. I’m a little angry with him for holding back and not enlightening us sooner. It is surprising that he didn’t share it with the generals. It reflects badly on them that they did know. But, of course, they can’t all be military experts.

McCain told us in no uncertain terms. He knows how to win wars. Reflecting a bit on this bold declaration, it was obvious that he was telling us the secret. He was a prisoner of war during most of the Vietnam War. But, he definitely used the plural.

The other war had to be this Iraq War. After all, he has so closely identified himself as instigator and architect that we sometimes fail to give President Bush any credit for the secondary role he has played.

If I have been hearing correctly, McCain has spent more time in Iraq than Saddam did. Certainly he has spent more time there than Nebuchadnezzar II, one of his former classmates.

We must have already won the Iraq War, as we won the Vietnam War, because those are the two wars he has been involved in and he knows how to win wars. I think I heard someone say that the secret is to, “just say so.” That sounds so familiar.

We need to delve into the background of this Michelangelo of mayhem. What went into developing this paragon of marshal perspicuity? If we could only know what it took to bring this level of expertise into being, perhaps we could clone, sorry, duplicate it.

If genetics were the sole determinant, John Sidney McCain III would be America’s Nelson. He is the son and grandson of admirals. However, there seems to be less than an ironclad rule involved when it comes to DNA. Although we are told that he is presidential timber, it’s a good thing that ships are now made of steel.

The record shows someone with not quite the proper cut of the jib for a naval career, at least not as an officer. There is no ambiguity. John the III was admitted to Annapolis only because of Senior and Junior. So close to the bottom of the class, graduation may have been due to the same circumstance.

Robert Timberg wrote in his book, The Nightingale’s Song, that “being on liberty with John McCain was like being in a train wreck.” I know I can’t wait to have another hell-raising, alcoholic, underachieving scion in the Oval Office.

Class standing may not be the only valid criterion but the Navy usually gives it some weight. It really is difficult for anyone who saw the movie, Top Gun, to accept the possibility that the Navy’s aviation school would ever admit less than the cream of the crop.

The head of training in flight school was quoted as saying that McCain was the worse candidate ever to come through. He got a slot ahead of more qualified applicants, performed worse than some who washed out and crashed the first of five aircraft while still in training. Maybe I should take another look at that movie.

McCain says he never broke as a prisoner of war. In his own book, however, he states that on his fourth day he offered full cooperation for medical care. Later, he admits, he signed documents admitting to being a war criminal. You and I cannot imagine how bad years as a prisoner of war actually was. I do not wish to belittle that at all. But, it seems to affect the memory of some.

McCain claimed he rejected the offer of freedom because it would not be fair to those who were there before him. The fact is that the other prisoners say the ranking POW had to order him to reject it. This is in a similar vein to his claim that he was offered admiral but turned it down. The problem is that no one in a responsible position backs him up. It would have surprised every officer in the Navy if he had made flag rank at that time.

Forget such ‘misspeaking.’ Now we have Douglas Holtz-Eakin, McCain’s chief economic adviser, saying that McCain doesn’t even speak for the campaign. I thought I had it figured out, based on what McCain said. Is that no longer carved in stone?

I thought that we could depend® on the word of a straight-talking Top Gun who had won two wars. He is an expert on foreign affairs from spending all of that time alone in a room in Hanoi. One little problem is explained by the fact that the Vietnamese do have trouble confusing the Sunni and Shia. They also are a bit hazy on where Iraq’s and Pakistan’s common border is and a few other such inconsequential details.

There you have the answer to how to win a war. Just leave it in the hands of John McCain and don’t bother about all of that other stuff.